Let’s talk about healthy relationships. Questions about relationships are the majority of my tarot readings. If you are a Tarot reader yourself, keep reading because it may give you an insight into why people do what they do and how to respond , what advice to give them.
If you are not a Tarot reader, that’s fine too. I think you will find this newsletter interesting. Something to ponder on…
Sometimes we decide to “save” someone who is unhappy. For example, you know a man whose girlfriend broke up with him. His heart is shredded; he needs healing—a full-force healing. In other instance, a girl has a broken soul and a man comes in to “save” her. But let’s think about it…does it sound right to you? Let’s consider this:
A healthy relationship starts with two healthy people.
It is a simple rule.
Healing has to happen within the each individual—alone. You can help this person a little bit, but I wouldn’t advice getting involved with him or her, unless this person is clear about what happened to him/her, what brought this need to heal.
A healthy personality acts within normal boundaries of behavior. It is a person who adequately expresses his or her emotions. It is someone who doesn’t undervalue his or her positive attributes and who is honestly aware of his or her weaknesses and accepts them. Every human being has strengths and weaknesses. Perfect people don’t exist. (((There are, however, too many neurotics out there. hehehe)))
An emotionally healthy person knows his/her needs, is able to talk about his/her feelings, express emotions, approach problem in relationships constructively, can love, and the most importantly: he/she accepts the responsibility for his/her happiness in a relationship.
It’s nobody’s responsibility to make you happy.
If you are constantly trying to save your partners, sacrifice something for the other person, live for someone,.. stop for a minute and think. Why are you doing this? What are your true motivations? Analyze your past relationships. Think about the problems you had with your parents. You may have gotten stuck in some repeating negative pattern.
It is understandable that not everyone is perfectly self-aware, but still, try to choose a partner according to your own level of maturity, not someone who is less emotionally self-aware. Make that effort. Let’s say you are emotionally mature and free on the inside (you possess inner calmness). You are neither very happy, nor extremely unhappy. The person next to you—your partner—represents big happiness (your are happy to have him/her in your life), but it is happiness that ADDS to your own happiness. If your partner leaves you, you will accept his/her decision and your life will be as happy as before. Yes, you will miss this person, but overall, your life will not be thrown into chaos. If your partner is on the same level of maturity, you both start your relationship on a conscious level. You both agree that you want to build something together into the future. You are on the same page. If you decide to end the relationship, it is also a conscious decision. You both simply move apart and life goes on. If one of you isn’t as mature as the other one, that’s when a situation happens.
At first, your immature partner admires you for your maturity. Then, the admiration starts turning into clinging. You may think there is nothing wrong with that. It’s normal, right? It’s nice hearing, “I can’t live without you”, “what would I do without you”. But one day, sometime in the future, you—the mature one—are going to grow tired of it. It’s because the main focus of the mature partner isn’t the immature one but his/her own life path and self-development. If you decide to leave your relationship, the other partner will collapse. You understand that the break up hurts on both sides, but you also know you cannot stay with someone just out of pity, obligation, or feelings of guilt…
The love of the clingy-one will eventually start to burden the mature one.
Yes, you can try to save; you can try to guide the other person to develop his or her maturity…This kind of thing happens often, when someone “guides” the other one toward maturity. However, speaking from my own personal experience, once you start walking the “saving”, “grooming” path, you will halt your own development and end up stepping from one foot to another: Not moving forward, but being stuck in one place. Some people want to play in the professional league; others are fine staying in the minor/amateur league. Neither one of them is better or worse than the other. They are just different. But two players of the same league will play a stronger game and will motivate each other to perform better.
When two minor/amateur league players play together, the results are not great, but it’s not a total catastrophe either. The personal growth of both players will probably happen more dramatically: through suffering, strong emotions (hate & love bordering on obsession), breakups, getting back together, etc. They will eventually learn their lessons and become more mature. The problem begins when the partners aren’t equally mature in the relationship.
This applies not only to you and me, but to your spouse, your parents, grandparents, siblings, cousins, and friends. Be considerate, empathetic, help, but don’t become a “crutch” for the other person.
You shouldn’t take on the responsibility for the other person’s happiness.
Nobody will do your inner work for you.
You can’t live a life for someone else. There will always come a day when a situation like this becomes a huge burden for someone whose goals reach higher. I am not trying to throw anyone under the bus, or stereotype people. I am just trying to give you some food for thought about relationships – perhaps you find yourself in this article, perhaps not…if not, great – if so, don’t worry, now you know what’s going on and you can change your situation.